Following the terrorist attacks in Paris this week (as well as those in London 2007, and those in Madrid 2004…) the EU and its Member States are facing the challenge of finding the right response to militant Islamism. This response must, of course, be based on a consistent policy that remains true to Europe’s core values.
Alas, the policies that have been used throughout the last ten to twenty years do not seem to have worked out. At the same time, however, it should be noted that those strategies were developed by immensely wise and well-meaning politicians, and endorsed by wise and well-meaning mainstream media, all of whom are infallible. The conclusion is therefore clear and unavoidable: The strategy was right, but it was not sufficient. We need more of the same!!
Therefore, we are proposing the following 10 points that will without doubt solve the problem of Islamist terrorism once and for all times, and bring to Europe the peace and tranquillity it deserves:
- Organize a minute of silence outside the Berlaymont building (or at similarly suitable venues). The sight of politicians and public servants displaying grim faces will give consolation to the victims’ families and scare potential future terrorists.
- Launch a Twitter-campaign around the trend #JeSuisCharlie and make it clear to the public that caricatures that associate religion with faeces-cum-porn are representative of the EU’s new (and compulsory) core values. Scold all those who should fail to express their endorsement of those values for their lack of solidarity.
- Encourage the mass media to produce new caricatures of Mohammed, if possible more obscene ones than those published by CharlieHebdo. Now more than ever, we must stand by our values! This will dissuade potential terrorists from planning further attacks.
- The steadfast defence of European faeces-cum-porn values will produce the additional benefit of convincing potential immigrants from North Africa and the Middle East with a fundamentalist background that they are not welcome here. They will therefore give up any plans to migrate to Europe.
- Moreover, some Christian or Jewish fundamentalists might also get the message. At last, Europe will become a truly tolerant and pluralistic society, i.e. a society without religion.
- Dismiss any suggestion that terrorism committed by Muslims shouting “Allahu akbar” could have anything to do with their religion. Also, dismiss suggestions that immigration of Muslims into Europe should be curbed. After all, the EU is to be a multi-cultural society, and certainly not a Christian one.
- Instead, open up the borders for more immigration. A perfect strategy is to include “sexual orientation” as a ground for granting asylum, while at the same time ensuring that public authorities have no real possibility to verify asylum seekers’ assertions regarding their sexual orientation. Once you have achieved this, the political battle on immigration will be over.
- In order to better integrate Muslim immigrants, get some non-Muslim European Islam-experts to create a new “Euro-Islam” that is compatible with Europe’s core values: feminism, secularism, homosexuality. Be confident, those backwardish immigrants will embrace the new doctrine with enthusiasm.
- Push for legislation that defines criticism of Islam as “islamophobic hate crime”.
- Silence all critics of your policy by telling them that they are “shameful” (at best), or “neo-Nazis” (at worst). When no more criticism is voiced, you can be sure that your policy is the right one.